I am in such a weird mood tonight. I should be happy! I made a new best friend & he is just…AMAZING. He makes me happy when I’m sad because he knows what to say! But tonight is a different story….I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Hopefully this feeling goes away! x

So, I didn’t think it would be fair if my followers didn’t know EVERYTHING about me. So here it goes…

Well, when I was just a tad past my 12th birthday, I found out about cutting. I did a report on it for English. I didn’t really think anything about it. I was just thinking “How could someone do that to themselves?!”. Well then someone I know, told me they cut & I was like, well it couldn’t hurt if they do it. Yeah, I started cutting. I remember the first time I ever cut. My mom was yelling at me. I was so tired of hearing her. I pulled out one of my blades & sliced my skin. I felt SO much better after I did. I had actually stopped when I was 16…but only for about 2 months. I was so proud of myself. Then, my mom yelled at me & my sister yelled at me & it got worse. I was cutting again. Now I’m 18 & my mom, my aunt, & I got into a HUGE fight a few months ago & I had cuts on my wrist from my aunt saying something to me & I had finally had enough & had actually asked for the number to a mental hospital a few miles away from my house. They refused to tell me & they asked why I needed the number & I just kept saying “Because I do.” They kept asking & I got fed up & screamed at them saying, “Because of this fuckin’ shit!” & I pulled off my arm warmers & showed them. My aunt asked why I did it & I told her “Because of you fuckin’ people! I’m so tired of hearing how fuckin’ miserable you people are when I have my OWN damn problems.” My mom was VERY mad at me. I think she’s come around since then though. Since that night, my sister took my blades from me & threw them out. I haven’t cut since then. It’s very hard though. I still struggle with wanting to find a blade & cut myself…but I wanna get better & not cut myself.

Now onto the next thing…(No one even knows about this except for a 2 of my friends.) In January of this year, I went bulimic. I remember staying at my grandma’s house & she bought all this Special K stuff wanting to lose weight & I was like, “Grandma! SHUT UP! You’re beautiful!” but that night, I was listening to music and all of the sudden voices went into my head & started telling me I was fat. I know some people have called me ugly & stupid & a bitch, etc but I never thought I would hear myself say I was fat. I’ve always been quite thin until about 2 years ago. I put on just a few pounds & I DEFINITELY noticed! Anyways, back to what I was saying, I remember just crying my eyes out & running to the bathroom. I grabbed my grandma’s scale & weighed myself. I weighed exactly 147.8 lbs. I stuck my fingers down my throat & tried throwing up. It didn’t work. The next morning I was up at 6 a.m. & eating Special K with my grandma. I had eaten nothing but Special K for 3 mornings in a row & had Special K snacks when I was hungry. I barely ate when my family was around & they noticed that something was wrong but didn’t really say anything. I was there for about 2 weeks & I lost weight. The day I left, I weighed myself & weighed only 141.3 lbs. This sucks. I’ve recently decided that if I’m good enough, great! If I’m not, then there is something wrong with YOU & NOT me!

I don’t want my followers seeing a FAKE me. I’m ME & REAL! The problems I dealt with & DEAL with are REAL. So, just letting everyone know, I’m here. You’re not alone. I deal with it! I love you all so much & wouldn’t be here without you! x

-Kiley